i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
