I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
