dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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