They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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