He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
