just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize