my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
