did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
