I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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