shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
