New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
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When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
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As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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