Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
