oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
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