dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
