So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
