before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
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She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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