Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
