we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
