the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
