Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
