Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
