maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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