I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
