EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
