I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
