my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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