her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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