i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
