when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
