i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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