I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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