I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
