I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
