Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
