Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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