I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
