you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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