and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
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I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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