remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.