I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
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she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"