i don't like sucking hair
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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