and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
