I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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