I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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