Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
