i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
