i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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