so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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