I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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