Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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