You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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