my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
