Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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