Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she peed on how many people?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
