It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
