and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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