Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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