he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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