so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
