Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The air was thick with penises
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
