plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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