she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
